Friday, May 13, 2005
Ur worst enemy is urself.
Self denial that things are good when u dont have a clue.
U think that things will improve when u dont know.
Uncertainty deceits ur mind , it makes u create hypothesis in ur head
U perceive that someone disses u, u in turn create an angry attitued.
Vicious cycle indeed
I dun c the point of blogging animore when it is the same old thing week after week, Have u ever seen a truly joyful post in the past Year!!!!!!!!!! I think nOT. Subtle happiness can BARELY mask the discontent and frustration under the surface.
Its pathetic to try to comfort urself telling urself that everything will be fine, things will get better. does it happen? Hell no one noes for sure,
Fuck i think i am damn jealous person, i hate it when i c other pple laughing away and joking away, pessimistic thoughts creep into my mind, maybe JUST MAYBe they are truly enjoying themselves. in school i look around and c the bday boy or girl surrounded by well wishers and showered with gifts, okiez i aint expecting that to happen, a simple and sincere wish will suffice, but just somewhere in my nagging mind, i wonder what it would be to experience such a thing. Throughout my 18 years, i have only celebrated my bday only once with friends and that was this year, most of the time its just my family and me. Yeah i guess i aint no social butterfly, i find it hard to come out of my shell. I Destest leaving my comfort zone, i dunno how to interact well with pple.
PPle often say i dun talk too much,
Well WHAT DO U WANT TO ME SAY!!!! SOME FUCKED UP GOSSIP TO MAKE PEOPLE GIGGLE IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dun have that talent nor i am a funii person who can liven up peoples day. Im just that stoned and siandiao person who sits in the corner and rots, not literally of cos.
i get queasy when i c lovey dovey couples on the streets or teens in their gangs who dun give 2 hoots about anithing bout school other than living for the moment. I wish i could just ignore this fucked up mentality of mind, this fragile balance has enabled me to stay sane through school which essentially is a place where learing doesnt take place productively. Fuck i only study for the sake of tests and am lagging behind in econs and maths,
ANd most likely when i read this post another time, i think too myself, this is the last time that i t will happen, but hah just after a few wweeks something like this will pop out again.
What has gone wrong with me, this mentalitythat has drivven me for like a year that cant be unscrewed no matter how much i scream out and fight it, it seems to win.
Pple around me say i look sian all the time, what u are seeing is the real deal , i am fucking sian of school, my life, studies, etc
Blinded by hatred, decieved by lies , darkness brews in the souls of the tortured
10:33:00 PM
